IP: "First we got the bomb, and that was good, 'cause we love

[Dave Farber <farber@cis.upenn.edu>]

I hate myself for sending this but it is funny djf
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>MICROSOFT TESTS NUCLEAR DEVICE AT SECRET HANFORD FACILITY
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>REDMOND (BNN)--World leaders reacted with stunned silence as Microsoft
>Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret facility in
>eastern Washington state. The device, exploded at 9:22 am PDT (1622
>GMT/12:22 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with talks between Microsoft
>and the US Department of Justice over possible antitrust action.
>
>"Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by any and
>all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not that I'm
>anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few tears shed in the
>computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath of nuclear fire."
>
>Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly dropped
>my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University of Washington
>geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it was Mt. Rainier,
>and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain bike vacation."
>
>In Washington, President Clinton announced the US Government would boycott
>all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the President reversed
>his decision. "We've tried sanctions since lunchtime, and they don't work,"
>said the President. Instead, the administration will initiate a policy of
>"constructive engagement" with Microsoft.
>
>Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test
>justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear Reservation
>from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire "kilograms of
>weapons grade plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold, "but we've finally
>found a place to dump those millions of unsold copies of Microsoft Bob."
>Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT products with rival
>operating systems. "I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a
>radioisotope thermoelectric generator inside of every Pentium II
>microprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but anyone who installs an OS written by
>a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet is going to get what they deserve."
>
>The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor would explain why
>the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so hot. The Intel
>chips "put out more heat than they draw in electrical power" said Prof. E. E.
>Thymes of MIT. "This should finally dispell those stories about cold fusion."
>
>Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in
>California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're doing all
>of the development work in Java," said one source close to the project.
>The development of a delivery system is said to be holding up progress.
>"Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at the moment."
>
>Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs was
>rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about deploying
>Apple's Newton technology against Microsoft. "Newton was the biggest bomb
>the Valley has developed in years," said one hardware engineer. "I'd hate to
>be around when they drop that product a second time."
>
>posted on 14 May 1998
>Copyright 1998 by the Bogus News Network.
>
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>[Copyrights and forwardings gone when I got it, though the name of
>that professor is awfully suspicious...]
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